How to Survive the Apocalypse

 

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My friends, by the time you read this, the world will be drawing to a close. We’ve known this day was coming ever since the Maya (and yes, Maya – not Mayans – is the proper way to refer to the peoples of the ancient Maya civilization) predicted it. Okay, maybe the Maya never explicitly said, “The world is going to end on December 21 of 2012,” but their calendar clearly stops on the aforementioned date. Obviously, that means either zombies or vampires, or perhaps half-vampires conceived by a sparkly vampire and rather dull human who aremadly in love, will suddenly appear and destroy the world.

There are “scientists” who try to dispute this rock-solid theory, but to no avail. They may make seemingly valid claims, involving many sesquipedalian words, which I am not even going to bother repeating. They just want to trick us into thinking that we’re safe so that they have the underground bunkers all to themselves. After carefully researching this topic through Wikipedia, squidoo.com, and the fabulous and completely realistic film 2012 starring John Cusack, I can affirmatively tell you all that the world really is going to end. And when it does, I am going to be ready.

How will I survive, you ask? I can’t tell you exactly, cause then you will steal my methods and there can’t be that many survivors. The chances of a love triangle developing between me and my hot guy (preferably from Ireland or Australia) and any other survivor are just too dangerous. But, because I like you guys, I can give you some general advice.

Step Number One: find shelter, preferably a Cold-War era bunker or a space ship. I heard Newt Gingrich has a colony on the moon, but good luck getting him to share unless you have a birth certificate handy.

Step Number Two: have the appropriate supplies. More research on the interweb informed me that you need things like food and clean water, but more importantly, you need a bazooka, a flame thrower, a gallant steed to ride around on while escaping vampires, lots of garlic, and a cool soundtrack to play while fighting the vampires.

Step Number Three: when the day comes, don’t sit around watching the television. Grab your gear and RUN AWAY.

Step Number Four: approximately five years after the end-of-days, have an epic fight and win. Then spend some time contemplating the dignity of human nature and how awesome it is that we always survive because we’re so good and deserving and stuff.  Oh wait… In order to preserve the realistic nature of this survival guide, you might want to reconsider Step Four.

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